One.  She reached her hand out, trembling as she grasped the rock to the left.  With a swift movement she pulled herself upward and anchored her foot once again, bracing herself for the upcoming seconds.  This had been her first time up on the walls, and her heart couldn't stop beating with excitement and fear. 

"Don't look down," she repeated to herself again, as she hoisted herself up another step.

She hadn't anticipated how much the fear would overtake her.  By the time she was half way, she could feel the perspiration gather on her hands as she struggled to quell the tremble in her body.

How long had she anticipated this day?  She couldn't help but think back to the beginning of the year, when she and her friends had set all their goals to work towards for the year.  It was odd how quickly it all went by.  And how they had actually made it this far.  Not that she had doubted their potential.  After all, they were the type who were true to their words.  Yet at the same time, it was always hard to believe when one actually found themselves at the end.

She was quickly pulled out of her thoughts as her left foot slide slightly, causing her to lose footing for a few seconds.  In that one instance, she had made a terrible mistake, and felt her entire body instantly lock up.

She looked down.

Her mind immediately went into panic mode, forgetting about everything they had told her before and the fact that she was safely strapped into a harness.   What in the world had she been thinking at the time?  She couldn't do this.  No.  How had she gotten this far up?  Wasn't she just on the group mere minutes ago?  How much further did she have to go?  Could she make it?  No no.  It's too far.  But she couldn't quit now, she had gotten so far. 

It was at this moment she began to wonder if this was the sort of thing that happened when people experienced the height of emotions.  That brief period before you think you're going to die where people claim that your so called life begins to flash before your eyes.  Of course, this was an extreme exaggeration, as she was no way near being in a position of death, nor did her life flash before her eyes.  But she could only imagine that the overwhelming sense of self she was experiencing was somewhat comparable

 Maybe she would just stay here.  Yes.  that would work.  She would just stay here until the end.

The end?  When was that coming again?  She wondered to herself, only to hear a small chuckle in reply.  Of course it wasn't coming.  There was no end.  Not today at least.  The end would come when she made a decision for it to come.  And that wasn't going to happen unless she called it.  She had nearly laughed out at this realization.  How foolish she had been.  Of course that was the case.  That's how it had always been.

She titled her head upwards, spotting her next target to the left of her.  With a deep breath she reached out in hopes of ending it quickly.  To her delight, her hand landed it easily and she pulled herself up another step.

Two.  She began counting in her head, one step at a time.  And up she went.

Hah! It's funny.  I think at times people who read this blog must wonder, just how many mood swings I can get in a year.  From happy to sad, sad to happy, the posts jump this way and that.  I guess perhaps if I blogged on a more consistent basis these sudden shifts in mood wouldn't be so drastic.  But alas, that's simply a luxury I am unwilling to pursue.

I think in the past week I have I gone from extremely disappointed, to feelings of elation and back down to not knowing what the hell I am doing.  I guess this surge of emotions has become a daily nor in the life of this crazy narrator.

There are times where I wish I could really sit down and explain to people why my emotions work this way.  Why it is that I can be so content and so unsatisfied at the same time.  But you see, I just don't think that would be possible.  It would be like solving the mysteries of being human in one go.  Admittedly, it would make life quite a deal simpler.

I have some inklings as to the source of my current discomfort.  But as for a possible remedy, the jury is still out.

Of course, how does one fix a lifetime of insecurities?  It's quite easy, I hear.  You just go to the magical confidence store and buy a lifetime supply of Serum 192: Love Thyself.  I guess I better start saving up.

I am so sad.  So sad and so frustrated with being so sad.

Change is always harder then we think, they say.

I only hope someday I will achieve even but half the confidence I yearn for.

It's strange how quickly things can change yet not be much different at the same time.  As you have noticed, my blog has been rather...lonely for the past half a year.  I guess one could always give the poor excuse of being busy, but that would be a lie.  I have time occasionally, as do we all, to take a couple minutes out of my day to post a line or two.  But as of late, the need for me to do so hasn't arisen.

Perhaps this is due to the fact that I am so utterly content with life it's sickening.  I'm not talking about those days where everything goes right and the days feel perfect.  I'm referring more to those days where everything seems to go wrong, things fail and disappointments come, yet still you can't help but crack as smile as you realize how trivial those incidents are in the larger scheme of life.

I still stress, I still feel down and occasionally I still get urges to go on a crazy apartment cleaning spree.  But it's a different kind of stress, a different kind of melancholy and a different kind of OCD outburst.

I think that for the first time in my life, I can see a future.  For the first time in my life, I feel like I can pat myself in the back for making it this far.  And you know what?  I'm proud.  I'm proud of myself for sticking it through the hard times and doing what I had to do to keep pushing myself forward.

Life is never perfect.  But you know what?  I don't expect it to be.  And I kind of like it like that.  Cheers.

My internship at Amazon is finally over and I am back to sunny old California.  So much has happened in the last three months I don't even know where to begin.  I've met so many people, learned so many things; it really has been one eye opening experience after another.  And to this day I can't believe how unbelievably lucky I am to have made it this far.

Do I still have a long way to go?
Most definitely.  But I shake with excitement at the thought of it all.

I am still a long way off from where I someday hope to be.  But more then ever I feel so ready to go, ready to fight for what I want.  Because I know that the journey to that goal will be nothing short of amazing.

Energizer bunny mode!

Only two weeks into summer and I am already satisfied.  Let's keep it this way. ^^b

一直想....想想想

想到頭快爆了

...烦死了

I think everyone has points in their lives where everything sort of just begins to pile up and before you know it, you're buried beneath a heap of never ending responsibilities. Sometimes it gets to a point where you begin to wonder if you should even bother digging as the hopes of making any true progress seems so far in the distance.

This week. Has been terrible.

Have you ever wondered how weird the concept of a birthday can be? Weird in the sense that it is, above all else, perfectly normal? What I mean is the whole concept of measuring time can be so weird when you think about it. The need to interrupt something so...consistent. Provided, it does make a considerable amount of sense when one takes in the existential view into account, but who uses logic nowadays anyway? Psh, foolish mortals.

Surprisingly the past month has left me with an unmistakable feeling of joy. I am beginning to wonder if I have simply reached that level of stress where one just stops caring. It is quite possible, given my current workload, but it seems like such a trivial matter at this point.

I have been thinking about the future a lot lately. A lot. Perhaps too much actually, but then again, turning off my brain has never been one of my strong points. Despite this though, I can't help but feel invigorated by all of this. The struggle, the refinement, everything seems to be falling into its place. Granted, I imagine this puzzle is no where near completion, but the sole act of knowing that maybe, just maybe, I have finally found all those edge pieces manages to quell any doubts thrown at me.

So in celebration, I felt the need to do pull a classic Dulcy. A list of random thoughts I have been mulling over.

1. I want to move out. That being said, I am also very realistic in the sense that I understand my sacrifice in freedom is a gift to the wallet. Given I am already in the process of paying off my car, this may not the smartest move. Yes, I have a lot of money saved up. No, it's not quite enough. I want to be able to ensure that if I lose my job I would still be able to pay for all my bills no problem. Perhaps that is over planning in many ways, but money has managed to be the root of almost all my life's circumstances. I refuse to grant it any more unnecessary power, even if that means putting my desires on hold for just one more year. All in all, I will be less generous with my budget this year. I want to see how far I can go and how close I can come to potentially getting the best of both worlds.

2. I don't know what I want to do. I don't think I am a bad programmer. In fact, algorithms and design is essentially something I pride myself in being able to do extremely well. But I lack the confidence in my skills and that underlying mental barrier makes me doubt myself too much. I hate it when people ask me what I want to do when I graduate because honestly, I have no idea. I am a greedy person. I want to do everything, I want to try everything. But the real world doesn't work that way. Eventually, we have to choose a specialization, else it is difficult to progress up in the corporate hierarchy. After all, that just means I can't be really good at anything. I will only ever be average or mediocre at a variety of things. Funnily, I am still rather content with feeling this way. For once in my life, it's okay not to know.

3. I am going to start a personal project. I want to accomplish something. I want to look back on my college career and not regret that I didn't take advantage of the little time I had. What I mean is I want to achieve something related to my future career choice or at least a hobby closer to the technology world. That being said, I want to have a personal project of sorts. This brings me back to my IB days. To develop something you are interested in and learn in the process. I miss that. So, it's decided. I am going to conduct my project after my term as an officer in ACS is over. And my senior year will focus around this project. And now comes the hardest part--deciding on a topic.

4. I will not be afraid of love. Relationships have always been the bane of my existence. The more I want something, the faster I run away. Every single time. And the fault lies on no one but myself. I spend a lot of time reflecting on my past relationships, reflecting again, and realizing how naive I really was. Always convincing myself of reasons not to go for what I want, never pursuing anything that meant giving into the risk of love. My walls are too big for me to expect anyone to break them down. Hell, even I have trouble scaling these walls sometimes I begin to wonder why I had that expectation in the first place. I guess oftentimes we tell ourselves that we've moved on, yet in reality we always fail to realize how difficult that can truly be. But you know what? Ef that. I'm done being weak. So what if I get scared? So what if I get hurt? I have two legs and I can get back up just fine. Isn't that precisely what I have been doing for the past twenty two (to be twenty three) years of my life? I am doing to take that leap of faith from now on and grab hold of the things I want to fight for, the things I should fight for. It is too late to rectify the mistakes of the past. We are all different people now at different points in our lives, but I want to ensure that I don't have any more things to regret. So Dulcy, it's time to fight fire with fire. No doubts, no hesitations. After all, what do you have to lose?

5. I love who I have become. So I'm trying this new thing called confidence, it's quite a foreign concept to me though I must admit I am enjoying it so far. All my energy spent trying to please others, to conform to those standards are now used to fuel the whole process of, you know, enjoying life. It's an intoxicating experience I must say, you should try it sometime. Of course, real change isn't quite so easy. I still worry about things I do, things I say. I wonder if people find me irritating, if they are judging me with as much malice as I see in their eyes. I think about how people will leave me when they start to see how ugly I feel inside sometimes. But then I also realize how foolish all those thoughts are. About how much of an insult it is to think that way when you have so many people who love and care about you the way you are, good and bad. You know, those friends and family who see my bad points and are patient enough to tell me when I am wrong. So I am taking a step back and re-evaluating myself. No, I am not perfect, far from it. I think I've done a lot of stupid things in the past, and hurt a lot of people. Do I regret some? I do. Can I change it? No. All I can do is try my best not to repeat the same mistakes I have made and, if possible, rectify for the things I've done with my future interactions. Will I stop having things about myself I am unsatisfied with? Probably not. Will I still make mistakes in the future? Most likely. But you know what? I beginning to realize that it isn't necessarily a bad thing.

And with that, I am done. Random, all over the place, and poor use of punctuation. Just the way I like it.

For the past two weeks I've been having extremely vivid dreams at night. Each one about different things, with different people. Typically I would find this invigorating, being able to remember so much of my brain's attempt to sort through the mind's information. But it has been such an exhausting process. Waking up in the middle of the night, falling back asleep, entering another dream, it's becoming difficult to shake off the feelings of fatigue.

I guess it has been awhile since I've been so stressed out. I don't imagine the amount of caffeine I have been consuming has helped much.

But it is okay. Take a deep breath. Because I'm not afraid of a challenge.

Let's do this, and let's do it right.

Can I hide in my little corner now?

I think I'm just not meant to interact with living organisms.

You coward.

Focus on all you need to do. Nothing more, nothing less.

Her hair blew gently back and forth, swaying with the the rhythm of the wind. How long had it been since she had been sitting on that bench? She could barely remember. Her hands had long gone numb with the cold and her cheeks were the color of fresh winter snow. She didn't have any particular reason to be there that day. Yet she dreaded having to leave the comforts of her own little corner. She would have to go soon, step back into the flow of time. After all, there was no one else that could take her shoes or live her life. If only she had more minutes in a day, so that she may take some more time to sit and ponder. To sway with the wind and swallow the light.

dreams of tomorrow
bursting with flavor

There are days when life seems to drag on slowly, second by second, minute by minute. Luckily today is not one of those days. For the past week I've felt as if everything has been passing by so quickly, too quickly if you know what I mean. I have so much I want to do, and so little time.

To write, to read, to dance, to sing--capturing life's little moments and staring it straight in the eye. I would say days like these are hard to come by but I don't think they really are. I think they've always been there, just waiting for us to realize and give a little wave back.

I am going to try harder now. To not let the fear overcome me. To go for what I want. To be happy, to be sad. To love, to lose.

Little by little, breaking down the walls of steel and realizing that it's nothing more but dust in the wind.

At long last the anxiety has lifted. I only wish that other life dilemmas could be so easily resolve with effective conversations and good will. It would be a lie to say that the experience didn't hurt but I must say I'm feeling much better about everything now that it's all over. It's difficult to push forward when you don't know where you're going. And despite the destination not being my top choice I am relieved that the journey can finally begin.

Not to mention I've been feeling rather inspired lately. To write, to paint. Perhaps it's because I've been bottling up my emotions for the past few months I'm searching for some sort of creative outlet. Regardless, I can't wait until break begins so I can utilize my time to the fullest.

But until then, study time!

i thought i found iti wonder where it has gone off to

Death is a natural part of life. It comes, we mourn, and life moves on. In these times I always tell myself that all I can do is keep my head up, smile so no one will worry. Some days I wonder if it has become almost too easy for me to smile.

how scary it is to be honest with yourself

Have you ever thought about how much you think? How easy it is for your brain to spark a connection and travel down twenty lines of association going from one point to another? Every day we have approximately 57,600 seconds - assuming you're getting the average eight hours of sleep a day - where our brains are constantly processing data from our sensory inputs and connecting them with the appropriate concepts in our existing network .

Take that, think about how much time we spend trapped in our own thoughts. Pondering over personal issues, reflecting over social rituals, and wondering what it means to really be you.

We've all done it at some point. Lamented on how difficult it is to be us. How stressful our family environment is, how difficult our classes are and how frustrating our significant others make us feel. Our constructed worlds are so deep and complex that we can't even fathom being able to properly express all that we are with a single instance. An arm at home, a leg at school, masks that are nothing but parts of a whole.

We think we are so complex, in thoughts and personality. Little worlds of our own. One can only begin to imagine just how complex that makes each and every individual outside of ourselves. How many people do we have on this planet? How many complex 'us'-es must there be?

One one thousand, two one thousand.

Lately nothing has been making much sense to me. I'm not talking about academics or anything of the sort, rather, I feel as if the filing system in my brain has taken a short vacation and the in box has overflowed with a pile of unorganized papers.

Though in reality I know it's not a vacation I have put myself on, but more of a system overhaul.

Recently, I have finally put the whole process of changing myself to action. To put an end to my continual rationalization I decided it was time to step out of my comfort zone and become the person I always strive to be.

It has been fairly successful thus far. Things at home are much easier to bear and fostering the relationship between my aunt and I has been an enlightening experience. But along with that comes the vulnerability.

I feel as if it is taking me longer to adequately process my thoughts now. When I made the decision, I was ready to be open with others, to put a little part of myself out there and accept the fact that i would be vulnerable. But at the time I don't think I had realized that along with being honest with others I would have to be honest with myself.

Perhaps you think that's quite ridiculous. After all, who could miss such an obvious thing.

The more I open up to others, the more I think about things that I have spent my whole life locking away. To be quite frank, it's driving me insane. The illogical thoughts and unnecessary associations, all these potential pitfalls looming over me. I am not quite sure how to deal with it.

But I guess that is half the fun in life right? Realizing insanity is only the first step.

I often wonder if I am too easily satisfied. One little thing happens and I am set to go for the rest of the day, week and month. Perhaps my standards are far too low or my brain far too empty. I feel like such a fool. At least I am a happy fool, right?

I love my little brother. I think people who don't know me well probably think I have some sort of a brother complex. Arguably, I probably do, considering I am the typical overprotective older sister who thinks her little brother can do no wrong. Which, as we all know, is true any way. He can't. (Hah! See what I did there?)

I had a terrible day today.
He had a terrible day yesterday.

Yet all it took was a single phone call to make it all better. It's times like these I begin to realize just how far apart we really are. But I am glad that in spite of all that we can still understand one another.

They say that people shouldn't go down without a fight. The Chau siblings? Why, you couldn't get us down even if you tried.

It always seems to be missing when you crave it most.